When tantrums go bad

We've all done it. Regardless of whether you have children or not, we've definitely all done it. We've observed the older-than-a-toddler-child having a tantrum, screaming, blue in the face, writhing on the floor (or the pavement) or running around the supermarket like a human firework and we've watched the parent, usually the mother, pinched and drawn, try to console (or physically restrain) their offspring them and we've passed judgement.

"The child is spoiled!"
"Bad parenting"
"I wouldn't accept that behaviour."
"When I was a child my Mum would have silenced me with one, quiet, word."

I've definitely thought all those things. I've always held true to the quote of "judge not lest you be judged" but I've definitely thought those things and I have been, well, judgmental.


Googled for "tantrum" - Waaaaah!

Children around the age of two have tantrums, you kind of know this instinctively even as a non-parent. The phrase "terrible-twos" seems to be embedded into our psyche so even non-parents can, on occasion, nod with faux-knowledge and mutter "ah, the terrible twos...". I guess before you are a parent you just think to yourself that, if I ever have children (and you always think you won't), then I'll just avoid the supermarket for a year (God bless Ocado!) and never allow myself the humiliation.

Not taking your children out in public is tricky but supermarkets can be avoided and 24 hour shopping means you can take them while they are half asleep and the Tutters are fewer. However, none of the how-to-be-a-cleverer-parent guides on the terrible-twos give you a warning that you might end up with a child that looks four or five or even fifteen on the outside but has the bubbling incandescence of the most terriblest toddler-terriblis (I am aware that phrase is more illiteration than alliteration, thanks).

All children will have tantrums at one point or another in their lives. Inevitably, some of these tantrums will occur in public. Children with autism can have tantrums at a much older age than those children who are typically-developing. Unfortunately, a public tantrum by an older child can draw much criticism (tutting, eye-rolling!) from those in the area; this makes for a very uncomfortable situation. I can assure you of this.

So, no-one explains that an everyday supermarket-toddler-tantrum is light relief compared to the episodic meltdown that is characterised by cognitively atypical children with ADD/ASD style behavioural traits. A rigid, screaming, apoplectic child who is inconsolable i.e. cannot be silenced or bribed. Oh, and did I mention, these can happen several times a day!

All of this pre-ramble is a way of introducing a recent entry, Growing, on Mama Be Good, where the author, Brenda, sums up my oh-so-very-different-now opinion but in quite beautiful prose. I particularly like her post because it starts and ends with a quote from Dr Seuss' "The Grinch".

"I learned to suspend judgment - of children, of parents, of behavior. I learned that acceptance comes in its own time. I learned to give up a vision of my child's life. I learned that the vision wasn't a terribly good one after all. I learned to lighten up. I learned that toots are pretty funny.

I learned a whole lexicon. Before Jack was born, I thought "developmentally delayed" was just a polite way to say "intellectually impaired." I, like many others, thought autism meant Rainman. I didn't know anyone who had a special needs child. I thought babies that had to wear glasses were just the saddest thing. Talk about Grinchful ignorance."

So, yeah, apologies for the pre-amble ramble, go and read Brenda's post and when you see me walking out of the Brent Cross shopping centre trying to calmy talk down an episodic Tokoroth (who has a lovely habit of calling out "Help! Help! when I am dealing with him) please try not judge me, just, you know, point and laugh.